The day isn't over yet

and I just snapped after my birthday staple gun broke, leaving me with an unfinished stretched canvas

If this is the first time you’ve visited this site I’d like to apologize that this isn’t a happy post.

I’ve been a bit edgy the past few days. This is definitely not one of those days where I could just sing and shout and turn around my feelings and be all happy about. When I am troubled, give me a few minutes and I’ll be ok. I’m a point A to point B person: if I want something done I will do it, and I will burn myself out if I want it done. But most of the times it takes several points to get to the destination.

I just don’t understand why I have not felt a “serious” “win” that could let me go “wow I’m so happy“and the sort. It’s always about other people when it comes to me. It’s always the people I pray for, family, friends, loved ones, who get that win. Last year was full of them, for them. Me? Nil. Null. Nada. Ok, maybe I’m being selfish and I have forgotten the wins that I had but I can’t in this moment feel it. This year, things are working out for others and I’m still in the same situation. What am I doing wrong? What am I lacking? What should I do? We reap what we sow right? We give then we receive right? I’ve been positive, I’ve been walking the extra mile, I’ve been working hard, I’ve been putting others first,  I’ve been…

“Gondor! where was Gondor when the westfold fell! Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us! where was Gond-...no my lord Aragorn...We are alone....”

A line of Theoden from LOTR that I feel at THIS moment. But I’ll change “We” to I.

I remember a friend of mine saying “you have a beautiful heart Jay, please don’t let anyone trample it.” Sometimes I wonder if my being nice is being abused which at most times happens without me knowing it.

Then I get smacked by some verse as I write this down.

Romans 12:2

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Yes I love God. But God, I’m tired. I know He’s around and things will work out well if I keep my eyes on Him.

Funny how God reminds us to be still and to trust Him at all atimes. This post is His reminder to me for myself. The day isn’t done yet so I still have time to turn my feelings around. So do you if you are feeling the same.

More funny is the now. I am embarrassed of having to doubt. I did get to finish priming two large scale canvas and did have a swell day. I shouldn't forget the little wins (and losses) I've had since they are steps to getting me to point B.

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know these verses and I am smacked. Forgive me, I'm not only human, I am human.